I am listening right now (finally) to a program that my good friend and WHUR 96.3 Radio host Harold Fisher had on his program last week here in Washington about “Adult Virginity”.

I missed the segment, but was alerted to it on my Facebook page, when Harold tagged me and some others in a NOTE (deep mortification set-in–lol), although I am not a virgin (in the literal sense), I am someone who is passionately practicing and promoting adult abstinence until marriage.

The main guest on the segment was Dr. Lindsay Marsh, a beautiful 32 year old professional sister (she is a Medical doctor) who says it’s worth waiting until marriage to engage in sexual activity. A virgin, Marsh urges abstinence for the sake of both health and spirit and advises men and women to avoid masturbation. She runs the program “Worth The Wait,” which promotes abstinence. Dr. Marsh is author of the book, The Best Sex of My Life: A guide to Purity. You can see her website at http://www.iamworththewait.com/ (Worth the Wait Revolution).

My thoughts on celibacy and waiting until marriage to have sex have evolved since my 20s & 30′s. I was raised in “the church” and as such was made acutely aware of God’s commands on sexual purity and marital faithfulness. In fact, I thought at one point in my life that sex was sinful, dirty and not for “good girls”. I was 21 when I finally had my first “experience” and it was a good one. I adored my boyfriend at the time, and consider it a positive experience. But the guilt and shame I felt as a Christian was profound. Causing me deep conflict about my faith and my sexuality.

As I look back now as a 42 year old adult woman, I can proudly say that I have kept my temple (my body) pretty Holy as it were (with the exception of the few times I was involved in a loving, committed relationship and slipped–and I do mean a few). I have never had an STD, or an abortion. My name has never been the subject of sexual innuendo and gossip, or locker room josting, and whatever I have done in my committed relationship I have been discrete and respectful about it even amongst my closest girlfriends and confidantes.

But I must be honest and tell you that my choices have often caused me conflict.

Why? Look at the culture in which we live. It is all about the “sex” or “buddies”. I grew up in the 1980s. Madonna was revolutionary at the time as she really pushed the envelope about sex and sexual expression. AIDS was new on the scene and widely viewed as a “gay disease”. Sexual promiscuity was rampant and I for one did not indulge. But I think the reason I did not was because of “fear of reprisal” or “retribution” from God.

I have since come to understand now that God made sex to be Holy, wonderful and enjoyable between a man and woman who love each other deeply, and as friends but He did so in the context of marriage. Only. I didn’t always understand that concept–until I made a tragic mistake by getting involved in a very unhealthy relationship (some years ago now) that left me badly emotionally damaged and scarred once I got the courage to abruptly (and badly) end it.

It took me years of peer counseling, reading self-help books, learning to self-forgive, learning to truly forgive and release that other person, and finally accepting God’s forgiveness before I could even look at another person to give my heart to. In retrospect, I lost valuable years of my life in that relationship and even more mourning the loss. But all losses must be grieved or they will sit in our souls and rot, and steal the joy and life force from us.

Once I did heal, and I did; I met a wonderful man who is what I will call my transitional guy (that is the one you are with who changes everything for the better but he is not the one you ultimately marry because God places him in your life to get you ready for THE ONE you will marry). I adored him, loved him even, but when we met we were both coming off of major emotional losses (his wife died of breast Cancer) and I was still recovering from this 4 year long relationship I was in that had rocked my life, and even my spiritual foundations to the core.

I was in bad shape when it ended–I became ill about 6months to 9 months before I finally broke it off, and I realize now that I was literally dying emotionally from all that I had given to this person who could never be mine, and who trampled on my heart and my soul like no-one ever had and no-one ever will again. Pain is a great teacher–and I learned some very valuable lessons from that very ugly relationship.

My point is that had I held true to God’s principles: God 1st, friendship & fellowship with others 2nd, Agape love (friendship) before Eros (passion) when falling for a man, and sexual purity which is designed to P-R-O-T-E-C-T us from deep emotional harm, I never would have experienced such hurt. To this day I still at times have to work at not allowing my mind to “go back there” because once we come to understand what true love is and what it is not, we can be very hard on ourselves for poor choices made in the relationship/romance department.

What I try to do now is teach younger sisters (women) how to avoid some of the painful mistakes I and other women now in our 30′s and 40′s have made. The biggest thing I stress to young sisters is to NOT allow your body to be used by men (or women for that matter) who are NOT committed to you. Period. The price you will pay emotionally is TOO HIGH. Trust me on this. Your most valued asset in life is your self-esteem and self-love. If you trade that because you are lonely or because you feel lost–there will be a “running day and a catchin day” as my Nana used to say.

We as a people, as a culture need to RELEARN the art of love and romance again. Whatever happened to spending a day together just talking and enjoying a man’s company without feeling you need to sleep with him. Men, whatever happened to courting a woman–sending her flowers, writing her a note, buying some chocolates??

Men and women alike need to stop acting as if we are uncontrolled animals loose from a leasch. I cannot tell you how many of my men friends have told me that they are simply stunned and turned off by aggressive women who want sex, will engage in booty calls, and who act just as bad or worse then men in the sexual arena.

I think Dr. Marsh is on to something with her movement and I am going to call her and take her to lunch next month so I can see how we can work together to help the next generation of young men and women return to some old fashioned courting and values. I think the Obama’s are going to help America redefine love, marriage, romance, and family values in a very positive way.

If everyone of us would be honest what we crave is CONNECTION–not empty, meaningless SEX. Nothing is more unfulfilling than waking up alone on a Saturday morning or Sunday morning–with no-one to share the cup of coffee with, the Sunday paper, or just talk to. However, nothing is more damaging to the human soul than to have shared yourself–your most intimate personal self with someone who cannot, will not, and does not truly love YOU. Meaningless sex is so RETRO folks–we should all be on a purity quest. Purity with ourselves and God first, and purity with the man/or woman with whom we will ultimately spend the rest of our lives.

Only then as Dr. Marsh says will we have the “best sex of our lives”.

If I Have not Love, I Am Nothing.

Sophia