Black Woman Redefined Blog

“It is never too late to have a life, and never too late to change one.”–Nike, Just Do It (1990)

It’s that time again–New Year’s Eve 2011 is about 5 hours and counting here on the East Coast and almost 8 hours away for those in the West or around the world.

2011 was quite a year for me. I have much to be thankful and grateful for as do we all. I became a published author by a major US Publishing house. My book was a nationwide top seller, received national coverage in Essence, Ebony, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NightLine, Tom Joyner, Michael Baisden, Philadelphia Inquirier, USATODAY and more and it won the 2011 African American Literary Award for Best Non-Fiction Book in a very competitive field with several perrienniel New York Times Best-Sellers.  I also got to travel our great country on a book and college tour that will continue throughout 2012. It was truly a humbling and exciting year for me professionally and socially.

Yet, as I came into the last 8 weeks or so of 2011, I was faced with a series of serious personal challenges that rocked me to my core. Like most of us, I had to keep going, put on my game face and do my best to muddle through. But as I head into a new year, a new season of my life (as I turn 45 on January 5th (just 4 days from now)), I have made but one RESOLUTION for 2012 and that is this: I have none.  My one goal, my one desire, my one MUST do Action item for 2012 is to be simply and truthfully, unapologetically and Authentically Sophia Redefined.

I would gently urge all of you to seriously consider the following things I am about to offer because I am living everything I am about to say in my own life right now, so it is coming from a place of real time–it’s time to make a decision and be about the doing, instead of the talking as my good friend Jacquie Martin likes to say.

All of us know that around the last week of December we all get frenzied, crazed and focused on what we need to do in a New Year ahead. The problem is, and studies prove this that 90% or more of people who make resolutions to lose weight, get closer to God, build new lives, give up on those resolutions within 6 weeks or less and go right back to their old habits and comfort zones.  So my guidance and suggestion for all who care to listen is to NOT fall into that trap. Instead focus on these five things that I believe are at the very core of what makes us happy, fulfilled and complete as human beings:

1. Get Your Mind Right in 2012. Simply put everything we think about we bring about. If you think negative thoughts, hold on to hurt, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness you will die a long and painful emotional death. You will still be living my friends, but you will become the walking dead. Trust me on this. Your body follows your mind. If you mind is sick your body will be sick. If you are carrying a spirit of heaviness and hurt; your body will be heavy and hurt. Denial is a beautiful thing until it catches up with YOU. And it always does. Heal your mind and you will heal your LIFE.

2. Know Your Value in 2012: Sounds trite but it is so true–If you don’t love YOU first no-one else will. The fact is we teach people how to treat us.  Get rid of the tapes you were fed as a kid. Get rid of negative messages others gave you about you. Throw off old definitions that put you in a box and that limit not unleash your potential. Love you. Treasure you. Put you first and others will respect your value and worth. Trust me on this.

3. Reconnect with those You Love in 2012: Ask yourself a hard question: what do I do with my time everyday? What do I value? How do I spend my time? Why am I so busy? Do I give my kids, spouse, parents, siblings, friends and loved ones my best? If we are all honest, 99% of us fall real short in this area of our lives. Do better in 2012. Get your mind right and get your priorities right as time is not our friend folks. It waits for none of us.  Live your life and reconnect with the people that matter to you in 2012.

4. Allow yourself to be Loving & Vulnerable in 2012: This is it here folks. Where the rubber meets the proverbial road.  Everything we are, everything we want starts with a desire to be loved and to feel valued; worthy. But love can only come (boy did I learn this late in my life) from an open heart and the ability to be vulnerable in our lives. Be open. Be vulnerable. Let people see your heart. Let them love you, help you, nurture and support you. It will change your life.

5. Surround Yourself with Winners, Builders, Prayers in 2012: The Bible says that the power of life and death is in the tongue. The Bible says to walk in the counsel of the Godly. The Bible says that two are better than one; that iron sharpens iron and so forth. The premise is that we are NOT meant to live this life alone. That we need help. That what people speak to us, about us, or around us seeps into our hearts, minds, souls. So surround yourself with people that speak life into you. That build you up. That nurture your spirit. That are there for you. That you can trust and who can trust you. Have a prayer circle in your life. A love circle of sisters and gents who you can share anything with and trust that they GOT YOU!  This is the most critical piece of advice any of us can take. Trust me. I know.

I pray you have a blessed and wonderful start to 2012 tonight and on New Year’s Day.  Live your passion. Redefine your life, on your own terms!

Love,

Sophia

Statement from Author & Women’s Advocate Sophia A. Nelson, Esquire:

A new book written by Stanford University Professor Ralph Richard Banks titled, Is Marriage for White People? How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone (in stores this September) is causing quite the stir.  The provocative, headline-grabbing book (ironically inspired by former DC school teacher Joy Jones about her conversation with an African-American sixth-grader who suggested that marriage was in fact for white people) uses United States Census Bureau Data to analyze marriage patterns and trends of “middle class blacks”.  The book comes to the controversial conclusion that black women (professional upwardly mobile black women being the most affected group by the so-called marriage gap) should turn away from black men and instead marry out-side of their race (emphasis on turning to white men).

Let me be unequivocal as someone who just wrote a top-selling, award nominated non-fiction book (riddled with groundbreaking never before done research and expert analysis) about the lives of 21st Century black women (which included black men in that research as well as white men and women, Latinos) that Professor Banks is just dead wrong in his analysis and conclusions. There is NO silver bullet for Black Women in America to address the “marriage gap”-”wealth gap”-”health gap”-”love gap”-”Wellness gap”-”Career gap”. PERIOD. Dating white men, is the least of what will save us as black women and give us the fulfilling lives we seek.

Bank’s book like many others before it, once again uses a provocative title, that draws the attention of the mainstream white media, major news outlets and radio to signal that something is broken and amiss with black love, black relationships and black families.  It is not. In our study a full 33% of black men and women were happily married, thriving, raising their kids and building lives together.  The truth is this: There can be no meaningful analysis of marriage trends between black men and women without dealing with the total experience of black people in this new generation and over the past 40 years.

What ails black women, is what ails all of us in the black community.  Lack of financial resources to help our families, lack of equal opportunity in the workplace, lack of self love and care, lack of spiritual connectedness, lack of healing, lack of forgiveness, and lack of belief in ourselves that we can be together as black men and women, build families, and build communities as our ancestors did under the pain of slavery, Jim Crow, and the Civil Rights era.  The majority of us in the black community are not middle-class and not well educated.  And Banks is right to consider what is going on with those of us who are in the “professional” class.  My book, like Bank’s book narrowly focuses on the black educated middle class (for me it was women) because it seems to be the demographic struggling most with healthy dating, lifestyles, and marriage. Professional black women are the most talked about, studied, and ironically invisible group of women in the United States.

Where Banks goes amiss is that, unlike what I wrote in “Black Woman Redefined” he does not get to the WHY black relationships may be in peril, and he does NOT offer a real tactical and meaningful way OUT of the situation at hand for black men and women.  This is where we part company.

1. Our families and children are at stake and although I write in chapters four and five of my book  that black women must indeed expand our dating options ( I am in love with someone Male and Caucasian)-I am not prepared to, nor would I ever suggest that we should “abandon” black men, lower our standards, date “beneath” ourselves, or worse.

2. To suggest that we do so means we are giving up on 400 years of history and I cannot sign on to that.

3. Moreover, to suggest that if sisters date out the race, brothers will come running back to us is silly at best.  Our issues as black women must be addressed outside of whatever is going on with black men.

4.  Fact: we as black women despite our many successes are still trying to deal with low self-image, anger issues, sexual abuse and abandonment issues with our fathers, obesity, depression, and more that runs much deeper than what Banks is peddling for his 15 minutes of fame and media attention.

If the black community wants to have a serious discussion about how we care for, tend to, and heal our broken relationships, family structures and the like, Black Woman Redefined and a host of other well written, positive, affirmational, instructional books are the place that discussion can and should begin.  As for Professor Banks, I am disappointed that someone with so much to offer is offering our children and young people an outlook that is bleak, negative, and damaging to the future of the black family.

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Like many black women in this country who are my age (early 40′s) we are too young to remember segregation or even the Civil Rights movement, but old enough to remember seeing our aunts, mothers or grandmothers continue their work as domestics or as nannies to wealthy or upper middle class white families after segregation had ended.

The new movie “The Help” based on Kathryn  Stockett’s best-selling book by the same name has caused quite a stir among the black community, as much as it has been wildly embraced by the greater white community in America.  Sister scholars like Melissa Harris Perry, Valorie Boyd, Martha Southgate, the Black Female Historians and others have slammed the movie for historical inaccuracies and for allowing a white woman to write a “fictional” account of the very real experiences of black women from another era gone by.

As a new author myself, I am loathe to be critical of a fellow author for writing her truth, her vision and her take on a very important period in our history as a nation.  I read the book and saw the movie and I liked both, but it was not without some angst, struggle and concern.  The concerns I have will be expressed soon in some opinion pieces I will author that will be published shortly via two major media platforms.  Yet, I beg of us as black and white women, and as a nation to learn the deeper meaning of this movie and to have the courage to start talking, and sharing our views, discomfort, and issues surrounding the movie in a constructive and positive way that moves us all forward toward something greater.

I congratulate Ms. Stockett on her book and her movie.  I agree the stories of black women’s lives must continue to be told, but we must get to a place where black women can tell those stories on a broad national and international platform, not just well meaning liberal northern or southern whites.  I also celebrate the wonderful Viola Davis and am so proud of her.  Her performance is Oscar worthy indeed.  She and her husband are expecting their first child (through adoption in their mid 40s-something I write about in chapter 9 of my book, “Black Woman Redefined”). Congrats to them and may God bless their new family.  I applaud the cast and the director (a childhood friend of Ms. Stockett) on a job well done.

If we can find the courage to talk, and share our stories one with another, we will be a better nation, and a much stronger “sisterhood” as a result!

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PRLog (Press Release) – Jul 26, 2011 – The African-American Literary Awards has nominated Sophia A. Nelson, author of “Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling the Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama”, for two awards: “Author of the Year” and “Book of the Year” in the Non-Fiction category.

The awards, first established in 2004 by Yvette Hayward, recognize the best African-American authors in the country.  Voting will take place online on Thursday, July 28 at the African-American Literary Awards website: http://www.literaryawardshow.com/index.html.  Winners will be announced in September.

Released on May 31st, 2011, Nelson’s 1st non-fiction book release, “Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling the Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michele Obama” became an instant Amazon & Barnes and Noble best-seller, selling more than 10,000 books nationwide. At a time when the black-white wealth gap is at its highest ever and the image of black women is constantly under attack in media ad campaigns (http://summerseve.com/vpower/ad-campaign/lady-wowza), the book has touched the souls of readers around the country who are celebrating the book’s groundbreaking research – and honesty.

“This is a great honor,” Nelson said. “I’ve always said that Black Woman Redefined is more than a book, it is a movement. Everywhere I go, I’m discovering that I’ve touched a raw nerve about how we as black women are damaged by stereotypes and reality TV portrayals. Despite being virtually ignored by mainstream media outlets (newspapers, network TV shows, etc.) I’m so glad others are recognizing the importance and impact of my message.”

Nelson is preparing for a national speaking tour in the fall where she will be discussing some of the findings from the proprietary national research. She also will share real-life stories that reveal what drives and perpetuates common myths and misconceptions of black women, and how the current economy is playing havoc on the black family emotionally. Among the research’s findings is that nation’s struggling economy is taking its toll on Professional Black Women who suffer from hypertension, obesity, Fibroids, and depression at a higher rate than others. In the workplace, black women also face limited opportunities for career advancement, and more racial bias than their white counterparts. (Summary of key findings are listed below.)

Celebrity guest contributors to the book include CNN’s Soledad O’Brien, Tom Joyner Morning Show’s Roland S. Martin & Jeff Johnson, Academy award nominated actress Taraji Henson, and For Colored Girls’ Kimberly Elise along with Dr. Lamont Hill, ABC’s The View Co-host Sherri Shepherd, Congressmen Jesse L. Jackson Jr. (D-IL) and Terri Sewell (D-Alabama), and many more.

Nelson, recognized for the past decade for her passionate, but “common sense approach” to politics and issues as an On-Air analyst for MSNBC, CNN, FOX, BET and other cable networks is available for interviews and commentary to set the record straight on this very important issue to the longevity of the black family.

Nelson who is a life-long moderate Republican, attorney, former lobbyist, turned journalist and commentator currently serves as Chairman of the Board of “I Am My Sister’s Keeper, Inc.”, a 7-year-old professional black women’s advocacy organization that provides life skills support to more than 3,000-women around the world (see www.iaskinc.org ). Nelson is also a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha, Inc. sorority, the oldest Greek lettered organization for African-American women in the world.

Black Woman Redefined is available online, at bookstores nationwide, and through Perseus Distribution. Orders only, please call toll-free 1-800-343-4499 or email orderentry@perseusbooks.com.

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Sophia A. Nelson – Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling the Myths and Discovering the Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama
Snapshots of the study’s Key Findings

* Black Women & Money: Financial pressures or debt were the leading factors that negatively influenced Professional Black Women’s (PBW) mental health, including causing depression, for 60% of respondents.

* Mrs. Obama’s Positive Impact: Professional Black women admired First Lady Michelle Obama for her intelligence (40%) and accomplishments (35%), and many identified her as a role model or inspiration.  In total, 87% credited Michelle Obama with dispelling stereotypes about the achievements of Black women in America.

* Black Women & Relationships: The majority of PBW (66%) reported they would rather be alone than in a relationship with someone who was below their standards for the sake of companionship.  More than three-quarters of PBW (78%) believed “finding a ‘suitable’ husband” was a challenge faced by Black women more so than their White counterparts.  Intimidation was pegged by 67% of PBW as the main impediment to Black women’s ability to start and sustain healthy relationships with Black men.  For the words or phrases that they believed Black men would use to describe them, PBW selected those that expressed their ability to be successful on their own (“independent,” 70% or “self-sufficient,” 70%) or those that negatively describe their attitudes or personalities (“standoffish,” 51%; “arrogant,” 48%; “snob,” 46%; “distant/aloof,” 32%; and “angry,” 30%).

* Black Women & Workplace: In the workplace, PBW pointed first to limits on opportunities for advancement (38%) and next to racial (29%), more so than gender, (10%) discrimination as hampering their ability to succeed.  In fact, women in professional or executive positions were more apt than white collar workers to have perceived prejudicial behavior based on race in their work environment (32% vs. 19%, respectively). White collar workers were also 21 points more likely than professional or executive Black women to highlight a lack of opportunities to be promoted (53% vs. 32%).

* Black Women & Racial Challenges: PBW recognized many challenges faced by Black women in the workplace beyond that experienced by their White counterparts, including getting ahead in the office (68%), earning respect from male colleagues (58%), being viewed as competent (54%), and hitting the “glass ceiling” professionally (52%).  Exploring the social implications of these difficulties in the workplace, the majority of PBW believed Black women disproportionately confront the challenge of providing for their families (66%).

* African American Men Suffering in Silence: An unexpected percentage of professional Black men identified work-related stress (hypertension) at 72% as major challenge confronting them in the workplace.  This is a ground breaking revelation that has not been discussed in mainstream media and reflects the silent agony experienced by many Black men in society.

* Descriptions of African American Professional Women: The descriptions selected by the male respondents to describe Black professional women reinforced their experiences, perceptions, and some stereotypes.  The most frequent words used to describe the women accentuated their success, such as independent (72%) and accomplished (66%).  This contrasts with the second set of descriptors focusing on less than flattering personality traits such as controlling (39%) and angry (22%).

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