Black Woman Redefined Blog

Is this You? Yelling at Life?

“Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who gives and him who receives, and thus, like mercy, it is twice blessed.”

Webster’s defines cour⋅te⋅sy as having excellence of manners or social conduct; polite behavior; a considerate act or expression, indulgence in kindness, favor, help, generosity.  A matter of standing or protocol. I define courtesy as ESSENTIAL to our well being as people and core to the very survival of our society.

Of all the many things that I feel are evaporating around me in the culture, of all the things I see going downhill, nothing alarms me more than the death of what I call the two “C’s”: Civility and Courtesy.  I will write about civility another time, but the issue of common courtesy has been heavy on my heart for months now as I have been working on my book and talked to countless men and women around the country about the issues that effect them most in interpersonal relationships. You see it deteriorating everyday in our culture whether at the grocery store, at work, at the gym, at the kid’s school play or even in church (yes, I said church). 

As Dr. Gary Chapman writes in his book, Love As a Way of Life: “The popular conception of courtesy is to be well mannered. The word, courtesy, however, is much richer; it means to be friendly-minded. Courtesy seems to be a small thing compared with acts of patience or forgiveness. But courtesy is rooted in a belief crucial to every relationship: Everyone we meet is worth of our friendship; beneath ever exterior is a person worth knowing. When we truly believe this, courtesy is not only possible but inevitable.”

The bottom line is that courtesy has seemingly disappeared from our pop-culture and we can see the impact all around us. I used to think I was just too sensitive, that I expected too much from people. After all why should people say “thank-you”, or send a note of “appreciation” for a deed well done, a gift, or support during a loss or difficult time.  I started to feel like something was wrong with me in showing basic courtesy–holding open a door for an elderly person, giving up my seat for an older lady or gentleman who was weary, offering to help a colleague with a work project demand, or just taking my neighbor some soup when she is sick with the flu.  But as I have travelled and talked to men and women all over–they see it too and they are worried just as am I.

The biggest most offensive thing I have heard of as of late (from far too many people) is that because of email and technology people are becoming more coarse and less courteous. And the new thing is to just ignore phone calls from friends outright.  I can’t tell you how many people complain about this (me included) that they call to check on a friend, and leave messages, send cards, notes and NOT EVEN a THANK YOU.  Not even a return call or some form of basic courtesy.  What is up with that???? It is simply RUDE folks–no other word can condone or amplify such behavior better.

Going back to the definition we began with–what is courtesy: Well, it is “indulgence in kindness” (I like that)–it is “favor”–it is “help”.  Meditate on those words for a minute.  Those are all action verbs that make not only the recipient of our goodness better, but they make us better as people too!  So the next time you have opportunity (and trust me you have it daily) show someone courtesy.  We are losing the things about us that make us superior as humans; our goodness, civility and compassion for one another. 

In the final analysis, courtesy is a heart condition–it is a reflex emotion. You either live it or you don’t. It is like praise and worship–it can’t just be a Sunday morning thing–it has to be a day in and day out thing.  Try it–it will change your life and someone else’s too!

 If I have Not Love I am Nothing

Sophia

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted” -Aesop

A friend recently asked me the above question and without thinking or without hesitation I replied: I would want the power to make people be kind to one another. Period.

To me kindness is something you either have in you or not.  It is a true gift of life to understand that being “kind” to someone in even the smallest of ways can make a HUGE difference in the life of another human being.  The polar opposite of kindness is “cruelty” and we know that everyday we all make choices on how we will treat our fellow human beings. Sadly most of us choose to bury ourselves in our own lives and in our own busyness to the degree that we don’t have much time for simple, random acts of kindness.

The first chapter of the book “Love As A Way of Life” starts interestingly with “Kindness” of the first of seven virtues that we should all practice in our lives if we are to master “Love” as a way of life.  Let me share a bit of what Dr. Chapman says in his book about Kindness as virtue:

When I was growing up my childhood friends and I were taught from the Bible to be kind to one another, but not every child in my Sunday school class was kind. Some of the children were kind until someone stole their toy, messed up their artwork, or pushed them at the water fountain. When provoked they forgot about kindness and went back to being ego centric children. Their behavior said, “Don’t mess with me or my stuff.”

My observation is that adults are not much different from children in this respect. A husband is kind to his wife when she is kind to him. He willingly takes out the grabage when she has cooked a good meal. He speaks kindly to her when she speaks kindly to him. He volunteers to wash her car after she has given him a pleasurable sexual experience.

But what does it look like to be kind in the face of injustice and ill-treatment. . .”

My point: Chapman is posing the real question that we need to address–what do we do when no-one is looking in life? What do we do when there is no reward, no quid-pro quo, no promise of a return for our good deeds or kindness? The answer is a challenging one for us as humans–the answer is that we are to do the right things because they are right.  We are to be kind when it doesn’t always accrue to our best interest.  We are to show kindness to every person we meet regardless of what they look like or what their status is in life.  Kindness is a special power–for me it is a rewarding gift that you give to others and to yourself.

Kindness, like love, should be a POWERFUL way of life.

If I have not love, I am nothing!

Sophia