Black Woman Redefined Blog

Editor Note: **below is a reprint of an article I wrote in January 2009, upon the Inauguration of President Barack Obama.  The picture far left was taken of us that night in ’09, and the one to the right was taken this summer ’11.

My nieces, like the President are the product of a black father and white mother. I wrote a letter to them while on AIR on BET offering election commentary as it became clear America had elected its first black President. In thinking about what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving I can think of nothing more important to me than these two little girls! I dedicated chapter 9 of my award winning book “Black Woman Redefined” to them. Alex & Mikaela thank you for being the light of my life!

Sophia & Her Two Nieces Alexandra (10) & Mikaela (6), at the Kid’s Inaugural Concert in honor of our U.S. Military Families, January 19, 2009.

Author Sophia A. Nelson

Statement by Author Sophia A. Nelson on Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann Controversy over Slavery & Black Family

I have made it a point of personal ethics since I became a full-time Freelance journalist and national columnist in 2008 who covers the White House & Capitol Hill NOT to interject my personal or political leanings into how I cover the news, write stories, or in this instance author my first book.

Earlier today, I was humbled by a book review of my new book “Black Woman Redefined” by noted literary and film critic Kam Williams.  However, I was disturbed with how the review brought in my political history as a well known moderate republican (yes, tis true have been one since I was 18) and tied it to the recent comments made by Ms. Bachmann in the 2012 race for President.  The question raised by Mr. Williams which stuck in my craw seems to be that somehow being an authentic, devoted, dedicated to my people black woman, and also being a republican is a moral, political, and social impossibility.  I disagree.

Let me share with you some of the excerpts here from Mr. Williams Review via his site Kamwilliams.com:

Book Review by Kam Williams

“Dear Mrs. Obama, Do you have any idea what you mean to us? By us, I mean the strong, independent, accomplished black women of America. I suspect that on some level you do… but please allow me this small indulgence as I share with you how special you are to us. What I am about to say may seem a bit much, but it is important that you know—that everyone know—how much you have changed and are changing everything for present and future generations of black women in this nation…You humanize us. You soften us. You make us invisible no more. You made us approachable, feminine, sexy, warm, compassionate, smart, affirmed, accomplished, and fun-filled all at once. Your very nature most emphatically answers Sojourner Truth’s 160 year-old question: ‘Ain’t I a woman?’ Yes, we are women, too.”– Excerpted from the Prologue (pg. 1)

Recently, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann lamented that the African-American family had been more stable during slavery than it is today. Although the Republican presidential candidate was soon pressured by blowback to distance herself from that insensitive remark, one cannot help but be alarmed by both the suggestion that blacks might have been better off in chains and by the verbal slap in the face of the millions of sisters doing their best to raise kids alone during this age of single-parent households.

Despite the fact that she is also a Republican, and that she campaigned for both Bush I in 1992 and for Bush II in 2000 and 2004, Sophia A. Nelson, ironically, feels differently about herself ever since the election of a Democrat Barack Obama. She gushes at length about how much the President’s wife, Michelle, means to her in Black Woman Redefined.

Ms. Nelson’s heartfelt how-to strikes this critic as much an appeal to black female empowerment as a personal coming home party for a Prodigal Daughter possibly harboring regrets about her longstanding liaisons with arch-conservatives. For, she devotes the bulk of her book to debunking the sort of cruel stereotypes which the GOP has been fond of circulating for decades, like Ronald Regan’s stump speech assailing the proverbial Welfare Queen riding around in a Cadillac and Andrew Breitbart’s dissemination of a videotape deliberately doctored to make Shirley Sherrod look like a racist. The author’s aim, here, is to discourage anyone inclined to jump on the “sister-bashing bandwagon” which has enabled everyone from DJ Don Imus (“nappy-headed hos”) to misogynist rappers to distort their image. “How is it that an entire race of women—so successful, so beautiful, so intelligent, and so powerful—can be so devalued, vilified, neglected, unwanted, disliked, misused, increasingly misunderstood, and blatantly abused?” she asks.

The answer is complicated, and is arrived at via a combination of anecdotal evidence plus a collage of illustrative contributions from such luminaries as CNN’s Soledad O’Brien and Roland Martin, documentary filmmaker Janks Morton, Dr. Julianne Malveaux, NPR’s Michel Martin, Democratic Congresswoman Terrie Sewell, Democratic Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr., actresses Kimberly Elise and Taraji P. Henson, and The View’s Sherri Shepherd. Besides writing what essentially amounts to a reverential thank you letter to Michelle, Ms. Nelson delineates what she calls the “five core goals” fundamental to blossoming as an accomplished black woman, namely, (1) creating positive multidimensional relationships; (2) establishing a satisfying career; (3) having a balanced and emotionally-rewarding life; (4) maintaining good health; and (5) achieving a spirituality that doesn’t reject sexuality.

Ardent, inspirational, insightful and redemptive, Black Woman Redefined is likely the only positive book that’s going to be published by a prominent Republican about anyone named Obama between now and Election Day 2012.”

My response not to Mr. Williams but to those covering our politics and Mrs. Bachmann (et al in GOP) is this:

At some point we as black Americans are going to have to make the decision to reclaim our families, our communities, our dignity, our wealth, our churches, our businesses, and our destiny. All of the data, hard evidence, black scholars, economists, and civic leaders agree: Black Americans are in serious economic trouble in 2011. The Black American family is in decline-73% of our children in the year 2011 are born out of wedlock, and black marriage rates are at their lowest ebb ever since we were not allowed to marry during the institution of slavery. These are facts that are indisputable and disturbing all at once. It is time we stopped ducking them and it is time we came together as a people to ReDefine them!

Ms. Bachmann and her GOP cohorts were no doubt misguided with how they expressed this marriage pledge and their tacit referral to blacks being better off in 1860 was ridiculous at best taken out of context. But put into its proper context, the black family unit (defining that unit is a discussion in and of itself) ironically (and sadly) was in in many ways more intact during the horrific and ugly institution of slavery and post-reconstruction than it is today. That is a very different discussion for us to have than the one that is being bandied about now about whether or not blacks were better off during slavery or in 1860. Of course we WERE NOT!  I’d also encourage my fellow Americans to read, learn, inquire into the works of men like Dr. Lerome Bennett, Henry Louis Gates, the late John Hope Franklin and others who have written about our journey from slavery to the Presidency. You might also want to spend time reading chapter two of my book, which deals expressly with the issue of slavery and how it still has a devastating impact on us as black men, women and children today in the year 2011.

( I will have much more to say on this topic soon)

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Media inquiries can be sent to Neil Foote, publicist at Neilfoote.com or Neil@neilfoote.com

First Lady Michelle Obama is traveling abroad this week with her two daughters, Malia and Sasha and her mom Marian Robinson as well as with various family, staff and friends.  It is her first trip to South Africa, on what the White House is calling a focus on that African nation’s youth and wellness.

Of course, what we at “Black Woman Redefined” love about the First Lady is that she is once again showing the positive magic of what it means to be an affirmed, fabulous and fulfilled black woman in America.  Despite persistent images and negativity surrounding black women in America, Mrs. Obama, continues to show a compassionate, loving, fun-filled smile and warmth that is now being broadcast around the world.  The First Lady pictured left with Nelson Mandella, is overheard to have quipped that President Obama was “pouty” because he could not make the trip with his wife and daughters.  Her sense of humor is one of the things we love about Mrs. Obama most of all, she has a way of respectfully poking fun at her husband, the President, and making us all feel good about the fact that after 18 years together, the Obama marriage is still fun, lighthearted, and connected.

But more important than all of the above is the incredible impact Mrs. Obama is having on the next generation of young black women and girls in America. Look at the photo: Two beautiful young girls, a beautiful mom, all sitting with one of the world’s most iconic and significant leaders of the 20th Century. Malia and Sasha know and love her simply as “mom”. But in years to come when they blossom into young women, go off to college, and enter the work-force they will begin to understand the role their “mom” played in shaping and changing a new generation of black women to take care of themselves, value themselves, and love themselves.  That, in our opinion will be the great legacy of First Lady Michelle Obama long after she is gone from her position.

I have mixed emotions on this Father’s Day.  Although my father is still living and well (and I am grateful for that), I am estranged from him, sadly by choice.  Almost a year has come and gone now since I spoke with him last, and in some ways I am okay with this decision.  Unlike many sisters I know, who did not grow up with a dad;  I did. My father was in the home, he was a good provider, and he was engaged with us as kids in our sports and the like.  Yet, we had a secret in our home–my dad drank a lot (well actually it was not a secret–everyone knew) and when he drank he was not a happy man–in fact he was downright mean and angry. My mother, God bless her, stayed as long as she could (20+ years) until she finally tired of the drinking, rages, and unhappiness in our home.

To my father’s defense he came from a long line of role-models that drank also.  They got into fist-fights, they cursed one another, they were angry.  So in many respects, he was just doing what was modeled for him.  I get that. But, the impact of the drinking–the anger–the outbursts in our home and on our souls as children was earth shattering, particularly on me as a girl.  My daddy, like all little girls was my hero.  He could do no wrong.  But as I matured as a young girl and teen, I became painfully aware that what went on in my house was not normal, it was not healthy, it was not Godly.

My brother to his credit seems to have come through it all better–he is married, he has two kids, and he does not drink or swear in his home.  I am his polar opposite:  unmarried, no kids, I swear way too much, have a bad temper at times, and I drink socially in my home and with friends.  I think in my 20s I had a drinking problem–it is hard to tell because at that age, we are in college, we drink, we pledge sororities, we cavort, and all seems well with the world.  I quit drinking at one point in my 20s-for about five years.  Then after counseling, I felt as though I could be a social drinker again.  So far, so good.

Although, I have gone to Al-anon meetings for years (since college), read books on adult children of alcholics, and been to counseling.  The pain I endured as a child still sits deeply with me.  Today I am reminded of that void I felt as a girl growing up, and now still as a grown woman in her 40s.  I admire my friends who have great dads and who still adore them as grown women.  They married men like their fathers.  They have built their own families.  They are whole.  I agree that forgiveness is critical. And I have forgiven my father. Truly–that is why I can write this in the open and be okay with what I am sharing.  Over the years I have tried to build or rebuild a relationship with him–but somewhere for me the authenticity is lacking in that in my family we NEVER come “clean”–we never say “I am so sorry I hurt you”-we never say “how can I make it right?” We cast blame, we take sides, we attack the victims of the hurt, and shut them out and punish them for daring to speak the truth.  It just adds insult to injury. And in my own quest for healing–I have to separate myself from that mentality because it only causes further pain to me.

Sadly, we do what all alcoholic (yes I said it for people in my family who are cringing and cursing me right now for outing the dirty laundry) families do–we cover, lie and deny what happened in the dark.  We avoid the healing–we avoid the transformation–we avoid the possibilities that we can have a better, stronger future if we just come clean about our past.  That is unfortunate. So very unfortunate. It blocks the blessing that can come from the mess.

As I write about in chapter 8 of my new best-selling book, “Black Woman Redefined”–the impact a father has on his daughter’s life is critical to her future success with relationships, with men, and with becoming her own best wife and mother.  All of the data we have about human beings in this new century tells us that kids are better off when their parents stay married, when they have a stable home environment, when they see love demonstrated in the home, when faith is practiced in the home, and when there is peace in the home.  Kids, who all grow up to become adults often emulate what they see, despite their best efforts not to.  There are exceptions–my brother as I write about in chapter 8 is one of the exceptions.  He is younger than me by 7 years, and he is a GREAT father to his two daughters.  They adore him.  He is not perfect, but he is there for those girls 100%–he would do anything for them.  He studies scripture with them, he takes them on dates, he loves and honors their mother, he provides a Christian home,  and he teaches them that they are loved and valuable.  It is the greatest gift he can ever give them. I am proud of him for that. So proud.

I am also proud of the 44th President of the United States, Barack H. Obama. His love for his wife inspires me.  His love for his daughters captivates me.  Watch how he is with them–gentle, fun, caring, and protective.  You should read his wonderful father’s day letter he penned for People Magazine here.  The President did not have a father in his life, but like many men he made a choice to do better and be a better man.

So what am I saying: For many, many black women like me–we either did not know our dads, or if we did the example we saw gave us mixed reviews on men.  This was re-enforced by the women folk around us telling us “we can do bad all by ourselves.”  Or worse.  Some like my soror Crystal had a father who was imprisoned for all of her childhood and even her adult life.  For others like my friend Faye her father was never a part of her life-he went and started a new family when he left her mom and never looked back.  For others like my colleague Mary her father resented her mom deeply for having too many kids-(as if he was not 50% part of that process), messing his life dreams up and he eventually ran off with another woman and abandoned his kids emotionally.  There are too many stories like this to share in our community.  I applaud and salute all the dad’s today who got it right, or who have made it right with their baby girls if they messed up.  But, for far too many black women growing up in America–fathers are absent, half-hearted, or setting terrible examples of what a real man looks like, acts like, offers, and provides to his daughter.

In sum, paying the child-support is not enough fellas. Being in your daughter’s life but treating her mother badly is not a good example for her to follow. Terrorizing your kids because you are angry, or on substances is never acceptable.  Or letting your daughter know she was unwanted by you and thus you feel free to opt out–is just terrible.   We have to do better, because many grown, very successful sisters are walking around with a BIG hole in their hearts– a big one-where daddy was supposed to be.  Trust me, I know.

“But what of black women?… I most sincerely doubt if any other race of women could have brought its fineness up through so devilish a fire.” ~ W. E. B. Du Bois

Mrs. Obama broke news yesterday when she told the world that the President had kicked the smoking habit.  But what made her announcement so powerful is what she said she has done as his wife regarding his smoking, “I just left him alone, when somebody’s doing the right thing I don’t mess with them,” Mrs. Obama said.  Now contrast that statement of support, respect and love with the infamous Pepsi ad featuring the dark skinned, weave wearing sister who slaps her husband, slams a bar of soap in his mouth, and then prepares to hit him in the head with a metal can of Pepsi–only to hit an innocent white woman jogger instead.

What a difference an image makes!

I made the TV and radio rounds yesterday–and put on my defender of black women hat.  But, I was frustrated and dismayed that every interviewer I encountered asked me “were black women simply making too much” of the Pepsi ad.  My response: an emphatic NO!

How can one make too much of how she is perceived, defined, or stereotyped.  Images last forever.  Myths as I like to say die hard. No creature on earth has been more wrongly defined and caricatured than the American black woman. It is not racists or overly sensitive to simply speak truth.  Despite our fabulous first lady and her example of spousal support, warmth and encouragement.  Corporate ad execs decided the better and more lucrative image to perpetuate about black women was one of anger, and violence.  Sad, but drama and negativity usually pay big dividends in advertising and marketing–particularly on Super Bowl Sunday.

I guess the big question I have for Pepsi is why the black woman? Why not have that same commercial be about Hispanics or Whites, Asians even? Would not it have still been funny?? NO.  And do you know why–because Pepsi knows what we all know–that the “angry black woman” is an accepted norm and definition that everyone in America gets and accepts as NORMAL.  That is the hard and ugly truth sisters.  And that is why I am so upset about the ad–as we all should be.

My advice to Pepsi is to get a grip and stop demeaning black women in your ads.  Images matter and they can cause untold damage to those who they portray.  I know. We all know. And that is what makes it so very wrong and dangerous.